Once upon a time, there was a little girl (she was a Libra for those who follow that stuff) whose mother was an amateur meteorologist. She dreamed of growing up and becoming the best weather person/astrologer she could ever be. “Meteorologist is the term,” her mother told her when she was six. “Meterastrology,” she repeated.
By the time she was 16, she was telling fortunes through a complex system of measuring the barometric pressure inside a person’s aura while charting their horoscope as cross-referenced with Poor Richard’s Farmer’s Almanac. She became famous for her talent of accurately telling people when the intersection of weather and fate would deal them a bad card thus allowing many to avoid forgetting their umbrellas in a rainstorm or making sure that folks put on enough sunblock to forgo the results of a sunburn.
But it wasn’t until her 21st birthday when she successfully predicted tornados in Tulsa while reading Janet Jacobson’s tarot cards that predicted the return of the female kitten she had misplaced two-years ago, that she uncovered the truth about her power. “You have a gift child,” Ms. Jacobson said while Cirrus turned over card after card. Thunder crashed above. Ms. Jacobson rubbed her bejeweled and knotted knuckles. A calm came over Cirrus. A cool breeze blew through the parlor. Dew condensed on the blue Wedgewood plates mounted on Ms. Jacobson’s wall. Cirrus was having a vision (in rhyme no doubt):
If ever the weather, due to rain or cold,
Should put your fruit in harm then behold;
The FruitGuys will always make things right,
Call 877-Fruit-Me day or night;
If delicate bananas in Wisconsin sub-zero cold,
Should look pale instead of a yellow so bold;
If Satsumas picked in a winter gale,
Should soften too fast then do not fail;
To call The FruitGuys, they stand by what they do,
Just pick up the phone and speak on through;
They will guarantee your fruit happiness and joy,
And by the way, your cat is really a boy.
We know that the weather has been rough lately in many parts of the United States. If ever you find that our fruit has been exposed to conditions that have jeopardized the quality of our fruit (or if for any reason you aren’t happy with what we do), please let us know so we can fix it for you. Learn more about what fruit is in your crate by clicking the ladybug icon at www.fruitguys.com.
Enjoy and be fruitful! firstname.lastname@example.org