FruitGuy Noir: Sunset Bully-lard

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By Chris Mittelstaedt

Yes, this is Conference Room A, Building 12. It’s about 10 o’clock in the morning. That’s the   Strategy Squad. They’ve been here since 5 a.m. Something about reassessing their core. Some confusion was reported from one of the other buildings. Maybe it was a gas leak, maybe it was something more. People were outlining themselves on whiteboards and slurping hot coffee out   of cupped hands with stir straws. A guy in the kitchen who had brought his headphones to work   was trying to hook them up to the microwave. “I can hear Saturn!” he screamed. It was the kind of mayhem I had seen before. The Strategy Squad waved me into the meeting. “Thank goodness   you’re here,” they said. “You don’t have to thank goodness,” I replied, “just thank my mother for teaching me to ride a unicycle on the highway in the rain.” They looked confused. I pulled out my mother’s business cards. “You can send thank you notes to her here. Her name is Janice.”

The Squad wanted to know how to help their employees at this time of year. “It’s simple,” I said, walking to the table in the center of the room. On a tray was a pile of donuts. “You guys need to get rid of this bully-lard. Or at least, like Cookie Monster says, make them sometimes snacks—not all the time snacks.” Nobody spoke. “But what will we replace them with?” a young executive finally asked. I pulled out an Asian pear. They gasped. “It’s a looker isn’t it? The round shape, the gorgeous soft brown or yellow skin speckled with tiny little dots? At this time of year we have Asian pears of different varieties in our cases. Asian pears can be eaten firm like apples, but they often have the juice of a ripe pear. You’ll taste hints of butterscotch and wisps of vanilla all packaged up in a healthy and nutritious treat.” They all stared at the Asian pear I held before them. I knew I had to set it down and walk slowly out of the room.

“Just check out to see what’s in your mix this week,” I added as I inched toward the door. “Our West Coast cases feature Shinseiki and 20th Century Asian pears from Gabriel Farm in Sebastopol, CA—and on the East Coast, some cases include AsaJu Asian pears from Subarashii Kudamono in Coopersburg, PA.”

And remember, if for any reason you’re not satisfied with your FruitGuys fruit, just call or email us. We have a 100% guarantee on what we do.

Enjoy & Be Fruitful!


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Our online magazine offers a taste of workplace culture, trends, and healthy living. It features recipes for easy, delicious work meals and tips on quick office workouts. It's also an opportunity to learn about our GoodWorks program, which helps those in need in our communities and supports small, sustainable farms.