Battle for the Universe Rages. Titan Runs to Mommy. September 5, 2006

Recently our distribution manager (and resident Greek myth scholar) returned from Greece where he found an ancient “B-roll” of video on the mythic history of the fig. Here is a transcript from that tape:

Dateline: Mount Olympus, yesterday

Anthony: “Jane, I’m reporting from Mount Olympus where Zeus is up to his crazy stuff all over again. After declaring the Titans a threat to universal autonomy of the universal-universe he has waged war against them all, universally. His five brothers and sisters (Poseidon, Hades, Hestia, Hera, and Demeter) have formed the coalition of deities, also known as COD. We asked why the abbreviation was significant.”
(cut to papyrus colored video of Zeus standing in a toga with his thumbs locked into a large marble belt buckle)

Zeus: “COD represents everything good about salted fish. And salted fish is about freedom. Need I say more?”

Anthony: “Zeus’s resolve is unmatched among today’s deities. He has engaged the talents of a hundred-handed monster, to help root out and hunt down the deities. He assured us that this monster, although a contractor with a mixed record, will no longer be in the business of tickling.”

Jane: “Anthony, what can you tell us of reports that one of the Titans has recently escaped?”

Anthony: “Jane, this is a new one for journalists here on the ground. Our team was embedded with the deities as they hunted down Skyon, a rogue Titan who ran, may I say in my professional opinion, like a baby into the arms of his mother “GE.” “GE” is indeed mother earth herself; however, when he arrived in her arms, she quickly turned him into what is being called a “Fig Tree” to protect him from the pursuing Zeus. This “Fig” is a new fruit, Jane, and I should tell you how to use it. First – these are all organic. If for example, in the future, The FruitGuys were to have them available for their customers, they would appear in all the crates. When unripe, the skin has a latex quality that can sometimes irritate people’s fingers or gums. The future FruitGuys recommend that you peel the fig when soft and/or cut it into quarters and eat like a wedge. These black figs are called “Mission figs.” And their history of being planted up and down the California coast in the old Spanish missions has nothing to do with their name. Nope, we journalists of high integrity here at Wolf news believe that these figs can only represent one thing: The defeat of the Titans and ultimately – a win for Zeus known as “Mission-Fig Accomplished.”

Enjoy and be fruitful (if not often ridiculous). – Chris Mittelstaedt chiefbanana@fruitguys.com