FruitGuy Noir in “Like a Fish Needs a Motorcycle”

By Chris Mittelstaedt
January 12, 2010
Reading Time: 2 mins.

I was already on my second cup of hot water with lemon when the phone rang. “FruitGuy, are you experienced with Vegans?” The voice on the other end didn’t sound alien but I wasn’t taking chances. Creatures from the Vega star were known natural mimics and sadistic practical jokers. I still wake up with night sweats thinking about the abduction – the weeks with electrodes on my head while they made me watch rows of goldfish exercise on tiny treadmills.

I tried to play it cool. “Sure kid,” I said. I’ve been around the galaxy. “What-cha need?” Twenty minutes later I was walking in the back door to studio #3. Up against the wall was a gal in a fish suit sitting on a motorcycle. “Thanks for coming?” She burbled. “We’re making this film – sort of like a musical-vegan-horror-protest movie – think ”˜Tommy’ and ”˜Easy Rider,’ but we’re all fish.” There was a shrill cry. The director was on the ground in a brown fish suit, wriggling in agony. “Why’s he floundering?” I asked. “He’s a Snapper,” she corrected. “And someone stole his favorite pear from The FruitGuys crate. We can’t go on until he’s fruitified.” He was puckering fast now and waving his hands at his neck like gills in distress. The band in the back was just watching the scene like fish at a traffic accident; the Bass on the drums stared blankly, the manager, a salty old Cod, just “humphed” and the Groupers stood there waiting for autographs. It was mayhem. I pushed past a school of Tetras all playing Tetris on my way to the kitchenette.

Thinking fast I opened The FruitGuys crate on the counter and grabbed a blood orange. Blood oranges look like an orange but have a purple and red blush to their peel. When cut open they have a dark, nearly blood-red juice. The juice has wonderful citrus and slightly raspberry flavor. I peeled it and ran back to the director. I knew this would get him swimming again. I held his head up and dripped juice into his mouth. He pucked. “Who took the pear?” I said. He looked around and pointed. “That fish,” he whispered. I should have known – Koi. “Well kid,” I said walking over to the fish. “It’s now or never. You’re just gonna have to Carp to it.”

Ah, the surreal inspiration of the blood orange. Must be the antioxidants coursing through my system. If you’ve never tried a blood orange, give it a go. It’s a great and healthy treat. Learn more about what fruit is in your crate by clicking the ladybug icon at www.fruitguys.com.