FruitGuy Noir: The Case of the Case on the Web February 26, 2007

They were standing around the FruitCrate when all heck broke loose. Jane was trying to convince John that “grapefruit” descended from a dinosaur egg-sized fruit-grape that used to grow under 20-foot-tall ferns and that giant people-long since extinct-used to make a tart wine out of it by crushing these magic grape-fruits between their toes. John was no Doe – he had been around the office and considered himself a connoisseur of fruit-flavored foods. He claimed to know every Jolly fruit flavor of roll-up and Rancher imaginable to man. “You’re wrong, Jane. That fruit,” he pointed confidently, “is nothing less than sour apple flavor packaged up in a yellow wrapper. I’ve read that somewhere – in English and French.” He smiled, and you could almost see the cavities gleaming in triumph. It was a standoff like no other I’d seen.

I hated to break up the party but, as my pops told me long ago when lies hit you in the face like a fish flying through a window, thrown by a guy on a unicycle speaking Swedish in iambic pentameter, it’s still gonna smell rotten. Mom’s lessons I could never make out.
I slipped between them and tilted my hat back so they could see my eyes. “Co-workers,” I announced. “This is a FruitGuys crate. It comes with information.” They started to look nervous. “You just have to know where to get it.”

I heard the sound of paper clips rattling in John’s pocket. He had won the inter-office paper-clip lasso contest last month, and it struck me that he could hog-tie a man in less than 5 seconds with a chain of jumbo clips. I stepped over to the FruitCrate to get out of range. “There are two things you need to know about FruitGuys information. One is that their website lists fruit in your crate every week. Two, they give you a FruitGuys password so your whole office can read the Berkeley Wellness Letter online. Both of these things you can get through the Web – and I don’t mean Charlotte’s.”
I held up an apple. It seemed so simple. “You need weekly photos and descriptions of fruit? Goto: https://fruitguys.com/office-fruit-delivery/this-weeks-mix/. They looked puzzled. “Or type it in one finger at a time: www.fruitguys.com, click the button on the right side of the crate’s lapel labeled: This week’s mix.” They smiled, and I knew I was getting somewhere. “You want great information on nutrition and health?” John and Jane nodded slowly. “Then check out the sidebar here for info on the Berkeley Wellness Letter – it’s a healthy read. And remember,” I tipped my hat and adjusted my lapels, “any questions you can always call – 1-877-FRUIT-ME. The staff loves to sing.” I tilted my hat, tightened my trench, grabbed a Cara-Cara, and started to stroll out into the bright day. “By the way, if you need me again, just put your lips together and blow loudly. You do know how to make that zerbert sound, don’t you Jane and John?” They nodded, and I was gone.

Enjoy and be fruitful! – Chris Mittelstaedt chiefbanana@fruitguys.com