FruitGuy Noir

The Case of the Crate on the Web

They were standing around the FruitCrate when all heck broke loose. Jane was trying to convince John that “grapefruit” descended from a dinosaur egg-sized fruit-grape that used to grow under 20-foot-tall ferns. John was no Doe – he had been around the office and considered himself a connoisseur of fruit-flavored foods. He claimed to know every Jolly fruit flavor of roll-up and Rancher imaginable to man. “You’re wrong, Jane. That fruit,” he pointed confidently, “is nothing less than sour apple flavor packaged up in a yellow wrapper. I’ve read that somewhere – in English and French.”

I hated to break up the party but, as my pops told me long ago when lies hit you in the face like a fish flying through a window, thrown by a guy on a unicycle speaking Swedish in iambic pentameter, it’s still gonna smell rotten. Mom’s lessons I could never make out.

I slipped between them and tilted my hat back so they could see my eyes. “Co-workers,” I announced. “This is a FruitGuys crate. It comes with information.” They started to look nervous. “You just have to know where to get it. One, The FruitGuys website lists the fruit in your crate every week. Two, those fruit mixes are different by region – The FruitGuys find local and regional fruit where available.” I held up an apple. It seemed so simple. “You need weekly photos and descriptions of fruit? Go to” They looked puzzled. “Type with one finger, then click the button on the right side of the crate’s lapel labeled: ‘This week’s mix.'” They smiled, and I knew I was getting somewhere. I tipped my hat and adjusted my lapels, “any questions you can always call – 1-877-FRUIT-ME. The staff loves to sing.”

Enjoy and be fruitful!

– Chris Mittelstaedt

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