Here are two things that I secretly wish sometimes: 1. That interpretative dance was an acceptable way to start a company meeting. 2. That I hadn’t tried to leap from my desk and spin on the …
Orange You Glad I Said Persimmon
There are always times you regret. Like when I was six years old, and I only knew two jokes. One was the standard knock-knock joke—“Knock, knock,” “Who’s there?” “Banana.” “Banana who?” “Knock, …
Get Back!
Here's the thing about modern living. At 40 years old, I can form a rock band that gets top billing in my living room. Rehearsals are quick, and I tower over my band mates who barely crest four feet, …
Mr. Brown and Ms. Bright
Mr. Brown is in the kitchen, head down, looking for a spork. Ms. Bright walks into the room and heads to The FruitGuys crate. They smile at one another, nervous to acknowledge the habit they have both …
Bonne Automne
We just got back from a trip to Southwest France to visit Jacky, my wife's ailing 82-year-old grand cousin. She's a very sweet lady who slaps your face when she is happy with you, lives in the tiny …
Watering for Winter
My three-year-old niece takes a sip from her paper water cup and stops mid-gulp. Her pink Minnie Mouse ears are slipping. She purses her lips intently, tilts her head back and looks skyward as she …
Squeaky Pear
I'm just about to climb the Grapevine on I-5 South into LA when I get the call on my cell. "Papa," my daughter's voice sounds thin like she's trying to hold back tears. "Is Squeaky with you?" She …
The Art of Asian Pears
It's my humble opinion that Asian Pears are not only one of the tastiest of all fall fruit treats but also one of the most beautiful. The flavor of the different Asian Pear varieties plays in your …
The Friendly Butterscotch
Scott, the Firebird-drivingm, WYSP-FM-listening, tan and mustachioed manager of the Friendly's ice cream restaurant in the King of Prussia mall, is scowling at me. I'm only a few months into my first …
Swimmer Meet Orchard Walker
I took a late vacation in 2009 - one week at the end of August up at the Russian River in Northern California. We rent a small house that's down a bumpy one-lane road, up and over hills, and through …
Spoon at a Pie-Knife Fight
I felt pretty good going into Sebastopol’s Gravenstein Apple Fair as a rookie pie judge last weekend - just little bites I kept telling myself. As we sat under the tent around a card table, our chairs …
Shadows
"Mama, I woke up at 3:19 this morning!" my 8-year-old daughter announces to my wife. My wife, who has the superhuman ability to raise just the end of one eyebrow as if tugged on an invisible string, …
Purple Hair and Purple Plums
Popi's brown Chrysler smelled of warm leather, 70s dashboard plastic, starched shirts, white mint Tic-Tacs, and something atomized that I couldn't quite make out that felt powdery and sticky in the …
Captain Chlorophyll
It comes up all the time. In cafes, at dinner parties, just chatting with folks on the bus in the morning: "When you play "superhero," what's your special power?" Sometimes I say underwater breathing, …
A Peach of Memory
By Chris Mittelstaedt At this time of year, new varieties of peaches come in and out of harvest each week, evolving from early June tartness to the cinnamony-sweet notes of late August. As I track …
FruitGuy Noir in The Blueberry Trail
It was 2 pm when Jane called and asked for my assistance. "The IT department did it again," she sighed. "Where is he?" I asked. "In the server room." I walked past the IT team and heard the high …
Coming up Triple Cherries
I'm not a big gambler. I never knew when to hold em' or when to fold em' and if I walked away I wouldn't know where to go, or if I should saunter or skip or something. My first trip to Vegas was only …
As The Orchard Turns
[SCENE: Orchard. Dappled sunlight falls softly. Ripe fruit hangs on trees.] DAD: Nectar? NECTAR: Yes, dad. DAD: Well, son, we have something to tell you. Mom and I have been thinking that …
Season: Winsummer…?
Some things just seem impossible to have together: a blizzard in Miami in July; midnight and noon at the same time; flippers and feet. But once in a while a strange convergence of natural coincidences …
You Never Can Tell with Bees
Sometimes things just don't work out. Take the time I wanted to build a hovercraft from a lawnmower. Or the time that a 6th grader convinced me that if I sang Pink Floyd's “Another Brick in the Wall” …
