fruitguy noir

FruitGuy Noir in The Sugar Crash

By Chris Mittelstaedt on September 12, 2023

I got the call around 2 p.m. They said a candy sugar crash had hit their place of work. This can be a tough town, I told them. There is always a clear plastic bowl filled with miniature chocolates in …

Filed Under: FruitGuys News Tagged With: fruit mixes, fruitguy noir, healthy office, seasonal fruit, summer fruit

FruitGuy Noir in The Stone Fruit Spinning Wheel

By Chris Mittelstaedt on June 27, 2023

My catfish Bicycle was 20 minutes into their workout on our new aqua treadmill when their hydrophone rang. “Blub, blub,” they mouthed in my direction, quickly transferring the call and motioning …

Filed Under: FruitGuys News Tagged With: fruitguy noir, nectarine, stone fruit

FruitGuy Noir in: Avoiding the Rabbit Hole

By Chris Mittelstaedt on April 25, 2023

The text came in old school: via Cowbell Morse code. “You’re a little rusty,” my catfish Bicycle mimed to me while I wrote down the incoming message. “Got it,” I quickly flagged back to Bicycle in …

Filed Under: FruitGuys News Tagged With: fresh fruit, fruitguy noir

FruitGuy Noir in Spring is Sprung

By Chris Mittelstaedt on April 4, 2023

Tuesday was on my calendar for a meeting on Monday. It had been there since Thursday penciled it in on Friday. I was confusing myself as to who was what-day and what-day was who so I tried to clear …

Filed Under: FruitGuys News Tagged With: fruitguy noir, spring, summer fruit

FruitGuy Noir: Ginny Grapefruit

By Chris Mittelstaedt on November 4, 2011

It was the kind of month that gave a grown man a hangnail—the really nasty kind that snags easily on wool sweaters in the dry fall air and requires Neosporin and a superhero Band-Aid. I had been …

Filed Under: FruitGuys News Tagged With: citrus, fruitguy noir, winter

FruitGuy Noir: A Handy Case

By Chris Mittelstaedt on April 25, 2011

I was soaking my hands in a mixture of Palmolive and probiotic yogurt when I got the call. This was the moment I had been waiting for. Three weeks undercover playing a retired hand model making a …

Filed Under: FruitGuys News Tagged With: fruitguy noir

FruitGuy Noir in “Like a Fish Needs a Motorcycle”

By Chris Mittelstaedt on January 12, 2010

I was already on my second cup of hot water with lemon when the phone rang. “FruitGuy, are you experienced with Vegans?” The voice on the other end didn’t sound alien but I wasn’t taking chances. …

Filed Under: FruitGuys News Tagged With: antioxidants, citrus, fruitguy noir