It’s been a long time since I begrudgingly stuffed hard, heart-shaped candies into Snoopy valentines for my New Eagle Elementary School compatriots. A world away from irregularly shaped hearts made …
Stems and Leaves on My Plate
There is a scene in The Jerk where Steve Martin and Bernadette Peters are eating at a “fancy French restaurant.” After they splurge on “fresh” wine (“This year! No more of this old stuff!”), Martin …
FruitGuy Noir: “Fruit Circus II – Training Day”
She was an outcast. A contortionist with a lowercase “c.” “I’m desperate,” she said as she walked into my office on her hands and put her card on my desk with her foot. It looked like she’d worked all …
A Citrus Family Holiday
So you made it through the holidays (Happy New Year, by the way!) and now you’re wondering what it was all about. Why did cousin Barry wear a kilt and rugby socks to your grandmother’s holiday dinner, …
FruitGuy Noir: Satsuma Rainbow
Calls were flying in like bats through a window at a mosquito family reunion. It was just my luck that someone had forgotten to smack me with two fistfuls of citronella aftershave. It was that kind of …
I’m Just a Bill
Have you heard about the food safety bill that the U.S. Senate passed in December of 2006? If made law, it will radically change the way U.S. food is grown and processed. The lead story in our online …
Being Frank with Ben
Ben Franklin is known for a lot of things. From signing the Declaration of Independence and later the Constitution to kicking back with his buddies for a bit of experimenting in electricity, …
Crazy Halloween Names
I hope you had a scary and spooky Halloween week, the kind that would make proud the scarf-wearing kids from Scooby-Doo. Mine was terrifying, and it started like this: I came home from work and asked …
LBAM—Two Countries, One Moth
I try to stay out of agricultural politics. I’d rather support farmers by buying their wonderful produce without having to testify on their behalf. Sometimes, however, circumstances land on your …
Peeling the Myth on Bananas
I have a gripe with a comedy standard. I’ve tried—I mean I’ve really worked at it—and I still can’t seem to slip on a banana peel. Sure, it’ll slide a little bit, but generally, I’ve found that …
Passion, I See, is Catching
Mr. Brown is in the kitchen, head down, looking for a spork. Ms. Bright walks into the room and heads to The FruitGuys crate. They smile at one another, nervous to acknowledge the habit they have both …
The Pronouncements of Passion
A cool fall breeze rustled the leaves outside of Peter's toy-store window. "Pauline," he piped." Pat pitched Paul a prototype policy that primes Pat for promotion." Pauline pulled the penguin puppet …
As The World Tilts
Time for this year’s installment of that Fall classic: “As The World Tilts” (SCENE: FADE IN - A FruitGuys crate sits on an office kitchen counter; orange-bristly sunlight streams in through the …
Mother Knows Best 2010
My mother-in-law, in her infinite wisdom, always makes sure to let her grandchildren know that peeling fruit is not a good idea. “Don’t be Mr. Peeler, the vitamin stealer,” she tells them. I’ve always …
Celebrate with an Apple
Our FruitGuys softball team has a motto: “More runs than injuries.” Up until last week, we hadn’t yet won a game, but we were wildly successful with our safety goals. Mom would be proud. This past …
The Great Local Fruit Shark
During Shark Week on the Discovery Channel, and my all-things-marine-life son is loving it. Between South African great white sharks that launch themselves into the air after yelping seals, and the …
Tale of a Scientist Farmer
Ed Magee spends his days thinking about sunlight. When he isn’t working on his 38-acre orchard of white peaches and nectarines in Vernalis, California, he’s in a lab studying the energy of …
Fruit & Veggie Magic
Fruito the Ripenificent was a world famous fruit magician. For years he had competed for top billing against Vern the Vegetastic until Vern suffered a fatal injury while trying to extricate himself …
Sustaining Sustainable
As an ex-suburban Philadelphia kid now turned Californian, I find myself drawn to stories of the underdog. Gosh knows the Philly area is full of tales of heroes on the brink who have pulled it back …
Riding the Peach Train
In the pantheon of great lyrical misunderstandings, I remember this: summer sunlight circa the mid-1970s and me dancing around our living room while singing at the top of my lungs to the “The Age of …
